His Last Birthday
by LadyKakuHida
Summary: "I really don't want to go into it but I will say it involved cats, Cheerios, volume eight of Death Note and a sewing machine."


**I got Open Office ¦D I've been struggling with WordPad because I'm too lazy XD Anyway this... abomination was born of an MSN conversation thing with the Akatsuki and Sasuke at one point. The only stuff you need to know is in there, though XD It has a bit of KisaIta in the middle and a bit of SasuNaru so... Yeah, don't say I didn't warn you if you're not into that stuff.  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or anything else mentioned ^^**

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* * *

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A boy, about fourteen with rather unusual hair, sat in front of a computer. The finger pyramid of ultimate evil occupied his hands and a similarly evil laugh occupied his throat. Have you ever seen someone go from cackling hysterically to being paralysed with horror? Well that just happened. And why, you ask? Well if you'd kindly take a look at the computer screen (and kindly ignore the plethora of pornography which is far too large for a boy his age) you'd see why.

Kisame says:

We don't want a repeat of your last birthday now do we? :)

Sasuke says:

O_O I'll leave

-Sasuke has left the conversation-

Make sense? Didn't think it would, not yet. But it will.

* * *

Sasuke shot away from the computer, shutting the entire thing down. He had homework only half done but he didn't care, he wasn't taking any god damn chances. His last birthday was- it was something he did NOT want to relive. Nothing in this world, no matter how horrifying, how disturbing could ever make him tell. Except if his creepy ass, suspected paedophile of a Biology teacher threatened him with a one on one detention. Because really, nothing is worth that. Nothing. The mere thought of reliving it made him want to curl into a little ball and cry in the corner of his room. Itachi called it his emo corner. 'Stupid weasel. My whole room is an emo area; I have too much angst and woe in my life for it to be designated to just one tiny corner.'

It was four hours before he was coaxed out of it.

* * *

"Sasuke, are you going to get up any time soon? It's your birthday; you aren't just going to lie in bed all day are you?" Itachi stood at the doorway, already knowing his answer.

"My world is a world of darkness and sorrow, the light of day can not touch these retinas until at least one in the afternoon," Why he had to be so dramatic about everything Itachi didn't know. He put it down to hormones. Luckily, he knew exactly what he had to do in a situation such as this. He waited until Sasuke had fallen asleep again, it wasn't necessary but it made the whole thing so much more amusing.

"JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" The older boy stood over him, a half full glass of milk in hand. Traditionally water was used, but Sasuke hated milk and Itachi was a bit of a sadist. There was also an advantage milk held over water.

"If you go back to sleep it'll dry in your hair and it will stink," The duck haired boy, who had been turning over and away from his brother, froze and turned back to look at him, horrified.

"I hate you,"

"I know, now go get a shower," He left the room, leaving the now empty glass of milk (He had drank the rest) on his desk and ducking the cat that came hurtling towards him.

* * *

"Itachi!" An ecstatic orange blur launched itself at the silently petrified Uchiha. "Uncle Madara said I could come this year as long as I don't-"

"Don't mention that. I still haven't forgiven you, you know," Tobi had somehow ended up killing all of Itachis' goldfish. Nobody knew how, in fact most of them didn't even know he _had_ goldfish.

"Okay, To- I made you breakfast because he, I mean, I'm a good boy!" Madara had taken to hitting Tobi with the closest heavy object every time he referred to himself in third person and since the hyperactive boy was convinced his psycho of an uncle had some kind of sixth sense, he wasn't taking any risks.

"What did you make?" Itachi had assumed that Tobi was the type to burn cereal so the news that he had created something he was meant to consume both worried and terrified him.

"To- I didn't know where anything was so he- I could only make toast, but he- I don't really know how to make anything else so that was lucky, he supposes," It was at this point Sasuke had come into the kitchen, taken one look at Tobi and the food and swore. Loudly.

"What in the name of Satans' unholy left testicle are you doing here? Get out, before you kill any more defenceless animals!" Though he hated Itachi and everything relating to him, nothing could match his utter detestation of Tobi.

Nobody actually knew why he hated him so much, some said he was jealous of his cheery disposition, some said he was pissed off by his cheery disposition and some believed his heart was simply three sizes too small.

"But Tobi made food!" Although morning hunger was enough to overcome even that. He huffed and slumped into his seat, where a plate of dry toast was pushed under his nose. He reached over and snatched the Marmite from behind him and started squeezing it on as if it was something that actually tasted good.

"I will never understand how you can eat that, never mind that much of it," Itachi wrinkled his nose at the toast, now unrecognisable under the black sludge.

"IT'S BLACK LIKE MY SOUL!" Ah, emo hormones. The eldest of the three simply rolled his eyes and went back to cutting his breakfast up.

The next half an hour or so passed like this, with Sasuke sending Itachi death glares across the table and being given cheery waves and smiles in return. The only noise in the background was Tobis' mindless chatter. To himself. Let it never be said that Zetsu is a good influence.

"Itachi, could you come help me with these?" Mikoto called from outside. She and their father had been out picking up the remainder of Sasukes' gifts and apparently Fugaku had disappeared again. He had a habit of doing that when there was work to be done.

"Sasuke, heel," He handed his empty plate to Tobi, who was already washing his own

"I'm not a dog!"

"Stay, then,"

* * *

"Hello Mother, did you get everything?" he questioned, picking up a few of the bags. There were a lot. He doubted there were just presents in there.

"Yes, but I need you to do something for me. You know the sewing machine in Sasukes' room from when he wanted to be a world class dressmaker?" That was a very awkward few months. It was during those months that Itachi knew for sure that his younger brother was gay. Not because of the dressmaking, "it took a real man to make a dress" Sasuke had bellowed at him on numerous occasions, but because of Naruto. His little boyfriend. And because he modeled the dresses himself instead of using the mannequin.

"Yes? Do you need something making? Mother, please reconsider, we both know that thing has a grudge against me," It was true, anything he tried to make, no matter who drew the designs or construction lines, was missing arms and head holes, or turned out to be the complete wrong colour thread

"I'm sorry Itachi but I'll be too busy cooking and we both know you cook worse than you sew. Anyway, it's only a tablecloth, I really don't see how you could mess it up," There were many different ways, he wanted to say. Seeing he really had no choice he simply sighed and held his hand out for the cloth once they got everything inside.

"Thank you, honey," She pecked him on the cheek; laughing at the look he gave her and sent him off, warning Sasuke of an early death if he went in his room.

* * *

Itachi glared at the offending machine. This thing was pure evil and it was mocking him. Look at it, sitting there. That smug look on its non-face.

It had already ruined five of the tablecloths he had attempted. On the last one it had waited until he had nearly finished and had his hopes up to go the _complete opposite direction to what he was pushing_.

The usually stoic young man was beginning to get quite homicidal. If anyone were to look into the room while he was working they would see the dignified, sophisticated Itachi Uchiha looming over a sewing machine giving it the filthiest look he could muster.

Hair, out of its usual ponytail, was everywhere, resembling an afro a bird had decided to nest in. He was actually drooling a little from the force of the hatred; it was taking power from his less important muscles.

He glared at it in silence for a while and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. He ran his hand through his hair, attempting to tame it a little.

The raven haired boy sat back down again and got out the final piece of cotton.

This was his last chance, his final shot at getting this right, and he would be damned if he let this… _machine_ get the better of him. He was Itachi Uchiha damn it, he would not lose, it is impossible for THE Itachi Uchiha to lose. He set the machine up with a spool again, ensuring it was all the same colour and that there were no knots.

Really he shouldn't have to since it was a new one, but this machine may as well have been made from the bones of the eternally damned and wrathful.

He got back to work, concentrating harder than he had ever concentrated in his entire life

Up… up… up, stop.

Turn a corner.

Up… up… up, stop.

Turn a corner.

Up… up… up, stop.

Turn a corner.

Up… up… up, stop.

He paused cautiously. So far, so good.

Back… back… back, stop.

Turn a corner.

Back… back… back, stop.

Turn a corner.

Back… back… back, stop.

Turn a corner.

Back… back… back, stop.

It was finished. He had done it. He had done the impossible. It was complete! By this point Itachi was doing something he could honestly say he never thought he would see himself doing; he was dancing with joy. Literally. He had taken Sasukes' mannequin (also from his dress making phase) and was twirling it round the room, cheering and screaming screams of pure joy. They could probably be heard from the other end of town but he didn't care; he had won, he had outsmarted that evil machine! And the tablecloth was finished! It was beautiful! It was glorious! It was finished! It was on fire! It was on fire? It was on fire!

"OH YOU DIRTY LITTLE SON OF A-"

* * *

"Bitch, please. Indiana Jones could kick Laras' pretty little _ass_," while Itachi was fighting the evil sewing machine Sasuke and Tobi had been having a debate over who would win in a fight between Indiana Jones and Lara Croft.

"Have you _seen_ Lara fight? And she's got all those weird, awesome gymnast moves!" Tobi was pro Lara,

"Her tits would get in the way, he'd just whip her and she'd go down!" And Sasuke pro Jones.

"If all else fails she could just seduce him, though! And whipping wouldn't bring her down. She can be maimed by bears and wolves and dinosaurs and come out without a scratch on her! Also-"

"Hate to interrupt the brain summit, but do either of you know where the power tools are?" Itachi poked his head into the room, his hair still a mess but a slightly more tamed mess.

"Shed, why?" He had already left, leaving them to question what he could possibly be doing that required power tools.

"Anyway, Indiana Jones couldn't handle half the stuff she has to put up with!"

* * *

Itachi stood before the sewing machine once again, this time with a more triumphant look on his face. His lips were curled up in a malevolent leer as he prepared to do his worst.

The dreaded contraption was destroyed in seconds; drills to the side, screwdrivers to the front, hammers to the bottom, knives to the top, floor to the back, over and over again, and then wood chipper to the remains. A very powerful wood chipper. Itachi felt he had won.

"Mother," She nodded in recognition, still keeping an eye on the food bubbling in the pan.

"Have you finished already?"

"…Not exactly," She turned round; ready to scold him. Then she noticed what he was holding. It was a sandwich bag filled with what looked like white plastic and metal.

"Is that…?" He nodded, she just stared at it.

"How did- Why did you... What?"

"Wood chipper. It set my work on fire. It got what was coming to it," He put the bag on the side. He hesitated and picked it up again, then left to get Kisame.

Mikoto had allowed him to come so Itachi didn't have to spend all day with little-kids-that-weren't-actually-little-kids-they-just-acted-it.

He also needed to buy a tablecloth, seeing as he had failed epically at making one himself. Where's Kakuzu when you need him?

* * *

I need more cats. I'm running out of cats to throw. Why cats, you ask? Because they're nasty, vicious little fuckers. And they _hurt_. And Itachis' pain is my pleasure, just not in that way. You sick perverted freak.

It's my birthday today, and so far it sucks. I don't know why I'm so surprised. My entire life is nothing but a litany of misery and despair, my friends are all idiots, my brother's a total dickhole, and I'm related to possibly one of the most retarded people on the planet.

Truly mine is a torturous existence. I am lost in the black hole that is my heart and soul, I am nothing in this world of destruction, loss and chaos, I am-

"Happy Birthday foolish little brother," Itachi threw something at me.

…

"What the fuck is this? Is this- you didn't, did you? You total asshole, Itachi!" That bastard destroyed my sewing machine! I don't even use it anymore but you don't fuck with a mans' sewing machine, that's just EVIL!

"THIS DAY IS RUINED! _RUINED_!" I threw myself on the bed and wept the manly tears of a sorrowful, angst ridden existence. I couldn't even send any of my cats after him I was so distraught. Where do these things even come from?

* * *

"Tobi, Itachi," They were sat in the kitchen again, chatting (well Tobi was) and occasionally passing things to Mikoto. Kisame was also helping, but he had somehow been roped into putting up decorations in the living room. They both looked up, Tobi grinned at the man who had just entered the room.

"Hi Uncle Madara!" Their Uncle Madara was the crazy one of the family. One twist short of a slinky, some might say.

"Mikoto, you don't mind if I borrow them a second do you?" She didn't of course, but he never heard her answer, he had already dragged them out of the room and into the cupboard under the stairs

"Uncle, why are we-" Itachi began, dusting himself down. A rather pointless gesture as this particular cupboard had never been cleaned and if anything, he was even dustier than before.

"Shut up, it's more mysterious this way," The old man (who didn't look old, thanks to the magic of Uchiha genes) clipped him round the ear, effectively shutting him up.

"So what do you want?" Tobi piped up

"I need you to get something out of Sasukes' room for me. For whatever reason, he doesn't trust me enough to let me in, thinks I'm going to steal something," And he had good reason to. Every time Madara came round there would be something missing from Sasukes' room. It was never even anything of value; an empty notebook, or a pair of scissors. It just added to their suspicions that he was in dire need of medication.

"But essentially you are going to steal something from him," Itachi pointed out, still trying desperately to get all the dust off himself.

"Right," The eldest nodded, sitting on an old bucket

"So his fears are completely founded," It wasn't a question. Itachi Uchiha never asked questions. Most of the time.

"Right, now what I need you to do is-"

"But Tobi doesn't want to, good boys don't steal and Tobi is – OW!" Madara, unsurprisingly, had gotten off of the bucked and rammed it over Tobis' head, muffling his ramblings of being a good boy (which went uninterrupted after the initial exclamation of pain.)

"What have I told you! You don't have a choice, either do it, or I'll delete all your game saves," He didn't actually have any idea what that meant but he had heard Sasuke threaten the orange Uchiha with it and it seemed to have worked.

Itachi sighed in defeat, "What is it you want?"

"You remember the volume of Death Note I gave him last year?" And the year before that, and the year before that, and the yeah before that, and the- you get the point.

"Yes, the same one that goes mysteriously missing a couple of days beforehand every year?" Tobi had managed to wrench the bucket off his head by now.

"Yeah, that one, anyway I haven't had time to liberate it from his bookshelf this year so I need you two to do it for me," Why he couldn't just do it himself like they knew he was capable of, they didn't know.

"I am feeling extraordinarily lazy this year, and as such I'm going to get my underlings to do it for me," 'Underlings? What is this nonsensical piffle?' You may be thinking. Madara usually referred to his family as his underlings. Again, one can short of a six pack.

"No. I'm sorry Uncle; I have gone through too much today already. Tobi, however, would be glad to help you," Itachi turned to leave, but was pulled back roughly by his ponytail.

"I need you to distract him, he's in his room right now. It's why I needed both of you to come, now go!" The two cousins exchanged glances and left Madara in the cupboard, giggling to himself.

* * *

"So, what are you going to do as a distraction?" Tobi looked up at his polar opposite; already deciding that he was in charge. Although Tobi felt he could do a good job if he was in the mood. He would go Solid Snake on that books' non-ass.

"I don't know, throw a rock, set fire to him… Honestly I don't really care. We're just going to have to make it up as we go along I suppose," Well so much for Itachi being in charge.

"Tobi has a cunning plan," Itachi stopped in his tracks and turned towards the shorter boy slowly. Tobi, a plan? Is it worth listening? 'Any plan is better than no plan I suppose,'

"We tell him Auntie Mikoto wants him and we steal the book while he's not there! It's so simple, so elegant, so flawless!"

"And what do we do when he finds out she doesn't want him?"

"Cat dodging. You're practically an expert by now!"

* * *

Oddly enough, their plan worked. They had expected some kind of booby trap or for cats to come clawing at their eyes the moment the entered the room. There was a cat, sat where the sewing machine used to be but it was asleep. The seating of the creature only served to prove to Itachi what he had been suspecting all along. Cats were _evil_.

"So should we give the book to Uncle Madara or…?"

"You do it; I'm going to find Kisame. There's only about 45 minutes before his party starts anyway. I have wasted the whole day doing nothing. Absolutely nothing," and with that the weasel stormed off in a huff, mourning the day he could have spent reading, or with Kisame.

He found the blue boy in his own room, lying on the bed with his headphones in. He didn't even notice Itachi enter until he was sat on him.

"Hello, then," The sharkish lad grinned up at his boyfriend. He tried to sit up but it was clear Itachi wasn't going to move.

"Can I get-"

"No. You're comfy. Like a beanbag, only more intelligent. Slightly," 'Beanbag…?'

"Are you calling me fat?" He was semi glaring now, but Itachi knew he was only joking. Kisame wouldn't ever glare at Itachi seriously.

"You pick up on that but not me calling you stupid?" The tallest of the twos' expression changed into that of mock horror

"No denial, it must be true! Well I suppose you won't want me now, seeing as I'm fat and everything, I'll just leave then. Goodbye forever, Itachi!" Obviously he didn't actually move but the ludicrousness of the situation was enough to make Itachi laugh, and that was not something that happened very often. They settled into a comfortable silence. Itachi had allowed Kisame to sit up some so he could sit in his lap properly

"I wouldn't care, you know. I've never cared about appearance,"

"Well obviously, if you did we wouldn't be toge- Right, sorry, stop that, got it," Itachi had used his Trademark Uchiha Death Glare on him, reserved for when the young weasel was particularly pissed off, as he usually was when his best friend put himself down.

They lapsed back into silence, enjoying the peace before-

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU EMO BASTARD-ttebayo!" Naruto arrived.

* * *

What Itachi saw upon his arrival in the kitchen would have made the most delicious brotherly blackmail. Naruto was thrusting a kitten in Sasukes' face while the youngest Uchiha brother alternated between glaring at the orange clad teen and making the girliest squeal anyone in the room had ever heard.

"So you're his supplier?" Itachi, of course, was still more bothered about where Sasuke was getting his seemingly endless supply of felines from.

"Yep! You're welcome-ttebayo!" Naruto had no idea what he was agreeing to, which really is to be expected of him.

"Wonderful, now I know who to-" He was cut off by Kisame aww-ing. The only sane person in the room (to him, anyway) simply stared at his friend, who was currently _petting the thing_. That little bitch was trying to steal his man! Nobody stole Itachi Uchihas' man, no matter how small and fluffy they were!

"Kisame, come on. We need to find Tobi," His glare didn't budge from the fuzzy little Jezebel as he tugged the doting blue boy away from it.

"But- Fine…" He sulked after the jealous weasel.

Unfortunately Itachis' plan sort of backfired, as he was now forced into looking for Tobi. What a brilliant day this was turning out to be. Note his internal sarcasm. He knew where he was of course, Madara didn't trust him enough to let him roam free and Madara almost never left the cellar; all the wine was there. They just roamed around a bit, talking and avoiding Sasukes' friends, who seemed to be reproducing. Whenever one was sent on their way, three more would appear. Itachi finally 'found' his younger cousin right where he predicted; pouring a new very drunk Madara a glass of wine while keeping his games and such away from the crazy old man.

"You know, Tony? When I wash a kid I- I didn't have none of your fanshy, mancy Gameboys, or your Touch screen technology, or your clean underwear. Y-you know what we had to do if we wanted clean underwear? We had to cycle thousands of miles -d-d'you know what a bike _is_ lad? Good. You kids today and your cars. When I was a kid I had a stick and a rock, I had the TIME OF MY FUCKING LIFE! You kids today are so ungrateful with your..."

He had been going on like this for a good few hours by now and had called Tobi every name but his own; Tony, Oliver, Millicent... Madara was both terrifying and highly amusing when smashed.

"Uncle, may we borrow Tobi for a while?" Not even Itachi was evil enough to leave his poor innocent cousin alone with the rambling old drunk any longer than necessary.

"Fine! just leave an old man to wallow in loneliness and misery," His dove his head onto the table dramatically, appearing to sob. All in the room knew of course that he was bullshitting them; Madara Uchiha did NOT cry. Not even when pissed out of his skull.

"See you upstairs!" Tobi waved at him from the door, laughing as his Uncle shot up, grinning and waving back at him cheerfully.

* * *

"So what exactly are we supposed to be doing right now?" Truthfully, none of them actually knew what they were meant to be doing. Though they did spent a fair bit of time tormenting a few of Sasukes friends, intentionally or otherwise. The little pink one was the most fun to scare, she would run off squealing to the youngest Uchiha who was getting more and more homicidal as the day went on, as it seems.

"Tobi, did you get the confetti?" Such a small detail had slipped all of their minds, including the boy who was supposed to have gotten it. The reasoning behind confetti on birthdays was beyond them.

"Um... Tobis' got it covered! He doesn't have time to go buy some now, but he has just had a cunning plan!" Kisame, who had previously been occupied with mocking the little pink one, really didn't want to know what the smaller boy was planning... He was content to just watch the chaos that would inevitably unfold.

* * *

The rest of the party was quite uneventful. Until it got to the presents. In particular, Madaras' present.

"God damn it old man!" Sasuke had snapped. This whole day sucked. With the exception of his kitten. Who he had decided was too good to use as a weapon and had in fact, named it. Mr. Muffins was currently curled up on his bed.

Madara, who had apparently been waiting for this day, simply smiled at his great nephew

"What's wrong, Sasuke dear?" His smile turned sickly sweet as he addressed him with the silky smooth grace of a crab.

"You know perfectly well what I'm on about you geriatric fuck! You have given me the same volume of Death Note since I was eight! YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE! YOU AND ITACHI!"

"What did I do this time, foolish little brother o' mine?"

"You're existing! And you destroyed my sewing machine, you have plunged my whole world into darkness; my soul is being sucked into a dark hole of endless pain and suffering because YOU refuse to die!"

A few of his mates (Naruto included) had started snickering at the mention of his beloved sewing machine.

At the end of his rant he slumped in his seat, crossing his arms like a child and pouting. It was silent; a tense, awkward silence, nobody knew what to do. Then Madara started laughing. It was loud, annoying, rare and downright loony

"You're laughing at my misery? I'm going to go and kill myself, see if you're laughing then!" He wouldn't of course. He had made this threat multiple times before and never followed through. Well obviously, it's his birthday now.

"I was wondering how long it would take you to say something," All of Sasukes' day long suffering over the past few years had been for an old man to get his kicks?

"You _sad_ little man," Was the only response the duck haired boy could conjure up before throwing the book at his head. Usually this would be an incredibly stupid idea but seeing as he wasn't exactly sober at the moment it was only met with more laughs.

"Sasuke, just blow up your candles," It seems Itachi had been forced to listen to Deidara one too many times. Fortunately everyone was too busy laughing or being utterly confused to notice.

"Fine. But I am not happy," 'When are you ever happy?' was the collective thought. Nevertheless he blew them out (not making a wish. Wishes were happy, and therefore beneath him) and Tobis' makeshift 'confetti' showered down over them all, causing more laughter and confusion. Itachi turned to him, giving him a look of utter disbelief

"Cheerios? Really?"

* * *

**Yeah, to anyone else, it wouldn't really seem that bad or chaotic BUT. If there's anything we've learnt here it's that Sasuke is a massive bloody drama Queen. Do I really need to say who his Biology teacher is?**

**Personally I think Lara'd win ._.**


End file.
